Dr. Sigmund Freud’s Clinical Notes on Patient D.T.
Discovered in a Viennese Time Capsule, Dated 2025
Patient: Donald J. Trump (referred by multiple concerned parties)
Initial Observation: Patient arrived 47 minutes late, insisted I call him “Mr. President,” and spent first 20 minutes of session describing size of his real estate holdings. When I attempted to begin analysis, he interrupted to say I had “a very weak handshake” and that his previous therapist—”a complete loser, by the way”—had declared him “the most psychologically healthy person ever examined.”
PRIMARY DIAGNOSIS: Acute Narcissistic Fixation with Oedipal Complications
Mein Gott, where do I even begin?
THE FATHER COMPLEX
Patient speaks incessantly of “Fred”—the father figure—with a mixture of desperate adoration and unresolved competition. Patient claims to have “far surpassed” father’s accomplishments, yet brings up father’s approval in every third sentence.
Most revealing: Patient measures all success in terms of buildings, towers, and other phallic structures that must be “bigger” and “taller” than father’s. The fixation is so transparent, I nearly spilled my coffee.
When I suggested his obsession with building “the biggest, most beautiful towers” might represent something, he spent 35 minutes explaining his towers are, in fact, the biggest and most beautiful, with “the best marble, imported from Italy, not the cheap stuff.”
I rest my case.
THE MOTHER FIXATION
Patient becomes notably agitated when discussing women, particularly those who challenge his authority. Describes ideal woman as “loyal, beautiful, and quiet”—a description he applies to all three wives, despite evidence suggesting none remained particularly quiet.
Most illuminating: Patient’s attraction to women who physically resemble his mother in her youth. When I pointed this out, he claimed I was “fake news” and threatened to build a competing psychoanalysis clinic “right next door, much classier.”
COMPENSATORY MECHANISMS
The hands. Mein Gott, the hands.
Patient has developed elaborate defense mechanisms regarding hand size, unprompted. Brings up hand size within first five minutes of every session. Has shown me photographs. Has asked me to measure. Has compared his hands to mine, his lawyer’s, the coat-check boy’s.
This level of anxiety about appendage size would normally take months to uncover. Patient volunteers it immediately, suggesting profound insecurity masked by aggressive overcompensation.
ORAL FIXATION
Pronounced oral stage regression. Patient exhibits constant need for:
Verbal approval (”Everyone says I’m the best”)
Consumption (Diet Coke, fast food, constant eating during sessions)
Verbal aggression (nicknames, insults, public feuds)
The Twitter feed—excuse me, “X” feed—represents pure id, unfiltered by ego or superego. It’s as if patient has externalized his unconscious mind directly onto the internet. Fascinating from clinical standpoint. Terrifying from every other standpoint.
PROJECTION
Patient’s remarkable ability to accuse others of precisely what he himself does suggests industrial-strength projection.
“Crooked Hillary.” “Lyin’ Ted.” “Sleepy Joe.”
When I suggested these might be projections of his own anxieties about honesty, deception, and cognitive decline, he fell asleep mid-sentence, then woke up and claimed he was “just resting his eyes, which are perfect, by the way, maybe the best eyes.”
SECONDARY OBSERVATIONS
THE MONEY COMPLEX
Patient conflates net worth with human worth. All people are evaluated on financial terms. When I mentioned Mozart, patient asked, “How much was he worth? Did he have any hotels?”
Patient cannot conceive of value beyond monetary measurement. Attempted to pay me in “exposure” and “publicity.” When I declined, offered to put my name on a building, “which would be a huge honor, believe me.”
THE CROWDS
Obsessive fixation on crowd size borders on delusional. Patient maintains crowds at his events are always “the biggest in history,” despite photographic evidence to contrary.
When confronted with facts, patient dismisses facts themselves as conspiracy. This level of reality distortion typically seen only in advanced psychosis, yet patient functions (if we can call it that) in society.
THE PERSECUTION COMPLEX
Everyone is “after him.” The media. The Democrats. The Republicans who aren’t sufficiently loyal. Foreign leaders. Judges. The weather, apparently (expressed rage at hurricanes for “making him look bad”).
Classic paranoid ideation, except patient has paradoxically created many of his own persecutors through aggressive behavior, then claims victimhood when they respond.
It’s like watching someone repeatedly punch themselves and blame others for their bruises.
THE HAIR
I cannot, in good conscience, ignore the hair.
The elaborate construction atop patient’s head represents perhaps the most visible manifestation of his psychological architecture: desperate, precarious, requiring constant maintenance, and fooling absolutely nobody except himself.
When I gently suggested the hairstyle might represent fear of aging, mortality, or loss of virility, patient stood up, pointed at his head, and shouted, “This is my real hair! Everyone says it’s the best hair! You’re just jealous because you’re bald!”
I have a full head of hair.
DREAMS AND UNCONSCIOUS CONTENT
Patient claims he doesn’t dream because “winners don’t need to dream, they just win.”
However, when pressed, admitted to recurring dream about:
Standing on stage
Everyone applauding
Obama watching from audience, crying
Crowd getting bigger and bigger
Still not big enough
Wakes up angry
The symbolism is so obvious, I needn’t interpret it.
THE AUTHORITY COMPLEX
Patient exhibits simultaneous worship and contempt for authority figures:
Admires dictators (Putin, Kim Jong Un) for their “strength”
Despises democratic leaders for their “weakness”
Cannot comprehend power sharing or institutional constraints
Refers to judges who rule against him as “so-called judges”
This suggests early childhood experience with authoritarian father figure (see: Fred) combined with American context where democracy prevents total domination.
Result: Patient wants to be king but lives in republic. The cognitive dissonance is excruciating for him.
TREATMENT RECOMMENDATIONS
In my 40 years of practice, I have never encountered a patient so completely resistant to insight. Patient possesses zero capacity for self-reflection. Suggests question, patient launches into story about how smart he is, how rich he is, how everyone loves him.
Traditional analysis requires patient to access unconscious material. This patient has no barrier between conscious and unconscious. Id runs directly to Twitter. There is no filter. Nothing is repressed. Everything spills out constantly.
It’s as if patient’s entire psyche is turned inside-out, worn on outside for all to see, yet he believes he’s the most mysterious, complex person ever.
Prognosis: Poor.
Patient terminated therapy after three sessions, claiming I was “a hater” and that “Freud is overrated anyway.” Started referring to me as “Sleepy Sigmund” on social media.
FINAL NOTES
This patient represents perfect storm of narcissistic personality disorder, arrested development at oral stage, unresolved Oedipal complex, and what I can only describe as “weaponized ignorance combined with supreme confidence.”
In layman’s terms: Patient has no idea who he is, but is absolutely certain he’s the greatest person who ever lived.
The lack of self-awareness is so complete, it almost achieves a kind of purity. Like a black hole of introspection where insight goes to die.
I must now go lie down. This case has exhausted me more than 40 years of practice combined.
Perhaps I’ll have a cigar. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
But patient’s golden towers? Those are definitely not just towers.
Signed, Dr. Sigmund Freud Vienna, 2025
P.S. - Patient just texted me that my analysis is “fake news” and I have “a low IQ.” Also something about his Electoral College victory. Patient may be beyond help of psychoanalysis. Suggest exorcism.